The Soy Boy Test

Find out if you're part of the problem

So America’s just about finished. Its culture has become whiny and trashy, voters elect “leaders” who enthusiastically embrace national insolvency, rugged individualism has surrendered to cowardly conformity, and welfare is now a way of life.

The odds aren’t good for “the last best hope of earth.” But we’ve got one shot left to turn it all around.

America needs men to be men.

No, gents, it’s not about your net worth. It’s not about how much you can deadlift. And it’s certainly not about what you do with your genitalia. It’s about rediscovering the virtues of level-headedness, honesty, decisiveness, loyalty, and courage.

Men’s refusal to stand up to chickification and infantilism brought us to where we are. (As Florence King lamented: “Hurt feelings and apologies have always been the purlieu of women and children, who conduct interminable, maniacally detailed investigations of the finer points of emotional affronts the instant someone wails ‘Johnny talked mean to me!’”) Nothing less than a massive revival of manliness — true manliness — is necessary to chart a new course.

So, fellas, what’s your role in the desperate attempt to rescue our once-noble republic? Take the quiz below. Give yourself one point for every answer in the affirmative, and a goose egg for every “no.”

1. Have you ever been bitten, stung, or scratched by an animal?

2. Do you have no idea what a “duvet cover” is?

3. Do animals comprise a sizable portion of your diet?

4. Have you ever had a physical problem that the woman/women in your life pressed you to go to the doctor about, but you ignored it and it went away?

5. Are you tremendously amused by The Three Stooges?

6. Have you spent any time in the service?

7. Have you spent any time in the joint?

8. Are you completely incapable of being “triggered” by a social-media post?

9. Have you ever dug a hole, trench, or ditch with a shovel?

10. When you encounter a large dog, do you immediately crouch down to offer a vigorous belly/chest/ear rub?

11. Do you have a favorite Bond girl?

12. Have you ever remained at a job that wasn’t “fulfilling” because you had obligations to others?

13. Have you ever been so soaked in sweat — from manual labor, sports, whatever — that it was difficult to take off your shirt?

14. Have you ever stopped (or, for the right reason, instigated) a fight?

15. Have you ever used a pull cord to start the engine of a chainsaw, lawnmower, outboard motor, etc.?

16. Have you ever told the truth, even though doing so was sure to have undesirable consequences?

17. Are you proud to have never received “benefits” from a welfare program?

18. Can you play chess?

19. Have you ever caught a fish?

20. Have you ever gotten a cut/gash that required stitches?

21. Do think “climate anxiety” is pathetic?

22. Have you ever fired a gun?

23. When you hear Morrissey sing “I am human and I need to be loved,” do you laugh out loud?

24. Do you know a lot about World War II?

25. Have you received at least one criticism, lecture, reprimand, etc. from HR?

26. Would you rather undergo a root canal than watch 10 minutes of The View?

27. Your best friend is a man — right?

28. Do you get, at minimum, an hour of outdoor exercise a day?

29. Did you obtain your driver’s license as soon as you could?

30. Do you own a pair of boots?

What your score means:

25 and over: No man can surpass William Smith, but by the standards of the third decade of the 21st century, you’re as good as it gets. (If anything, it’s time to look into some kind of testosterone-suppressing pill.) If America is to be saved, your contribution will be significant.

15-24: Not terrible, but not impressive. Consider this your warning. And prepare for what’s to come.

5-14: You are in trouble. Big trouble. Not a lost cause, but you’re an underachiever. Man up, man. Put the phone/tablet down. Go outside. Buy a Glock. Stop spending money on moisturizer.

4 and under: It’s probably too late. But there’s a last-ditch option worth consideration. Quit your job at HuffPost and move to the Permian Basin. Hire on as a roughneck. If you survive the first week, your life will be changed forever. Make it a year, and you’ll be ready for a senior leadership position in the Great Male Awakening.